Swallow it hard

Everytime u talk or praise about other guys.. or go out with other guys. I can feel my heart sinks. I acted cool.. I acted like it shouldnt matter to me that much, treated like we should be fair and I should not be sad when you date other guys.. but i cant help myself from feeling sad and keep thinking why isnt the guy be me.. why isnt me that you gave a chance, without thinking our friendship. No matter how much i scolded myself for being stupid and naive, i still fall deeper into the pit. Jay chou concert.. jewel box. demsey hill.. how i wish im the one who bring you to all these places..

Sad period of the year

Every year, during this period, all the feelings came back, because alot of things happened during this period. Christmas.. Newyear.. my birthday.. her birthday.. going to come one by one. Last year we were still going out.. and this year.. its nt even close. What a lonely year.. We are slowly going back to contact but i wish she wont treat me as a normal friend. I realized I've never told her that she is pretty or whatsoever and somehow i regretted it. Other guys may have praised her dozen of times and im there always trying to make fun of her. Even if i praise her it will be after ive make fun of her. I've never tell her seriously that shes look really good. Alright, maybe i will take this place to express my feelings as im really so bad at expressing myself in public. Though its really quite useless now but.. " You may not be the perfect girl or the prettiest girl i've have seen, but your unique prettiness captures my heart. And its not short term, it will last for years which even im not too sure when will it stop. The prettiness that im talking about is not just about your look. I like the way you care for your girl friends. I know its totally different from the way you treated other guys or even me but i know if you really care about them, you will really do your very best. You know how to dress and i really like it. You look gorgeous with the dress you put on, especially the first date that you went out with me. You told me you arent that good, comparing to what i think. Sadly, i only believe what i saw and i think you are really nice and you are worth for all my effort. I hate to see you cry, and your smile makes my day. Not the smile that you always put on when someone makes a joke, but it is the smile when someone did something sweet to you. You don't have to put make up to look nice and i really like your curls." I guess its really difficult to put down unless u found another guy. By then, I will think that it will be unfair for both of us and i will stop holding on. Right now, i will just swallow it and keep it to myself. Why cant i just put down this time. I don't understand. Maybe because we really did try before and i think the reason that she gave me is not sufficient. I've grown alot after this incident. I learned that I should not put so much emotion into something. I learned that with sincerity its still not enough, so does much effort. Learned that its pointless if the girl don't like you... because all these prove that everything lies in first impression. If she is nt interested in you, no matter what you do its useless. For my case, even after 7 years of friendship, I tried so hard, and she doesnt want to give me a chance. She had already plant the first impression of me as a friend in her heart. I cant change it... I hope she can prove me wrong.. cos deep in my heart, i still believe with sincerity and will, it will surely touch the heart, and it will shine brighter than the love sparks. When i see what rui or other guys did to other girls, I really hope that I can protect you from all these, because seriously, i believe more on chemistry than sparks. Sparks are so dangerous from what ive seen. One can easily find new sparks and changed. I don want to see you getting hurt again.. and some hurt will haunt you forever. I don want to see that.. I will never want to hurt you..

Merry Xmas

Just came back from sentosa chalet and it was fun. Feels so nostalgic and we get sick of playing those stupid games. I slept like less than an hour and i concussed at home.
I'm really numb with bgr. Please don't make me feel skeptical about it. Sometimes i wonder should i even try so hard. Or should i even try. Its just another false hope for me. I'm sick of it..

Anyway Merry Xmas everyone!! Its a whole new year again! and soon its my BORING birthday!

Exam ended

Wooo! Finally exam has ended! I have been studying like a dog. Not going home for 2 weeks makes me homesick. Not that i like to stay at home, but the feeling of trapping in one place and eating the same old food totally sucks. Anyway I think overall the exams were alright, just that I'm afraid of maths after ive found out some careless mistakes that i've made. I din expect myself to study this hard. Its totally a different standard from A lvl. This whole study craze starts right from the start! where A lvl starts 1month before the exam!
Ytd manage to meet her and jw. I din expect her to follow us. I just want to pass her the present cause I don't have anyone to give and its for her from the start. We talked normally, act like nothing happens, but i know its not the same anymore. I hope she keeps a distance from me as im afraid i cant control, but at the same time, deep inside, I know I want her to accept me. And i were said for being insensitive. I admit I'm insensitive sometimes and I don like to sing praises to other people cause I think that we can still improve. I know all of us like to be praised but i just cant say out from my mouse. I've been trying to hold this skill but to no avail. After ytd, I think im affected by it. The expectation is still there. It shouldnt be after wad she did to me.. Its that part of my life that i wish to forget. Haiz. Maybe one day, just maybe, that she will know I've really give it my best. One thing that i think could have made a difference will be that night when i went to see her. I'm really bad at expressing myself and I know im not convincing enough. Lets fate decides then.. I'm tired of trying anyway and grasping any false hope. One last thing. I still like her..